I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
