Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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