I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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