somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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