Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
