Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
