I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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