i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
