Little spoons don't ask big questions
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
