i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
