I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
