I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
