Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
