I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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