i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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