Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
