on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
