I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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