I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
