There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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