i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
