does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
