my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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