Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
