I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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