On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
