HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
