I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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