oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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