Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
