Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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