you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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