I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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