tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
