The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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