I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
