I wish my penis had an off switch
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I die, sorry about rent.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
