I can text with my tongue
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
