his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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