Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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