I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
