Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
