I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
