Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
