i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
