the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
