Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
