Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
