I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
