After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
