When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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