I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
